‘Transformers’ Sliced Too Thick

“Transformers” is action-packed. To a point.

“Transformers” is mindless. To a point.

“Transformers” is fun. To a point.

And then, somewhere over the 144 minutes, it dawns on me. Or rather, it yawns on me.

“Transformers” is too freaking long.

All the other adjectives and stereotypes and onomatopoeia that might describe a toy-based movie, where alien robots disguised as cars do battle over a giant, powerful cube get stomped into oblivion.

This movie is simply too freaking long.

For many years Hollywood has graced us with numerous beautiful masterpieces of the monster-attacking-people-and-places variety, “Jaws” being the finest. Many take their cue from “Jaws” (influenced itself by Alfred Hitchcock) and build up suspense, not revealing the source of the terror until some time has passed.

Not “Transformers.”

No sooner than the movie begins does a helicopter transform and start laying waste to a U.S. army base in Qatar. It’s a good scene. A lonely helicopter flying overhead slowly descends upon the base as the soldiers’ confusion turns to panic. Director Michael Bay effectively develops the helicopter’s presence as the scene progresses.

The action part of it is fun too, mostly because of the transformers. They’re fun to watch in action, moving quickly and efficiently, yet gracefully. When they’re not talking, they have the undeniable “it” quality that makes them cool.

Part of the reason why “Transformers” may seem too long is that none of the human characters are nearly as cool. Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBouf) at least is a decent, thoughtful character (although a little boring), who thankfully is the lead. And his parents, Ron (Kevin Dunn) and Judy (Julie White) add some interesting personality. But everyone else is supremely boring and often times given too much plot.

What we have here is two stories running parallel. The first involves Sam, a descendent of Artic explorer Archibald Witwicky. He buys an old Camaro, a transformer named Bumblebee in disguise. As he becomes friendly with local girl Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox), together they learn about why the transformers are here and what they want.

Meanwhile, after the attack on the Qatar base, Secretary of Defense John Keller (Jon Voight) assembles a team of specialists to find out what is going on. Maggie Madsen (Rachael Taylor) tracks the transformers with the help of friend and expert computer hacker Glenn Whitmann (Anthony Anderson).

If only a transformer could have decimated this second story. It is an uninteresting waste of time and eventually just stops. Madsen and Whitmann never provide much depth at all, and by the end they become virtually worthless. Not to mention that Anderson’s performance, which tows the line between too silly and downright annoying.

One thing I’m supremely glad that “Transformers” doesn’t do is waste time with crazy methods of transforming. The transformers have the ability to “take over,” if you will, any object they want. But this very rarely occurs. Sure one time one of them takes over a Mountain Dew machine, forcing all enemies to “do the dew.” But if the movie’s story is too long, at least it isn’t too long with gimmicky garbage like that.

Sometimes action scenes happen too quickly. They often break for stupid, meaningless dialogue or for pointless shots of characters faces. They never establish a nice flow. Bay does a good job of avoiding this, especially in the end battle scene with Megatron.

Now Bay has ventured down this same path with much less success before. When he directed “Pearl Harbor,” he shot the bombing scene way way long to make it too tedious on screen. Of course, that was far from the only thing wrong with “Pearl Harbor.” Honestly I shiver just thinking about it.

So certainly I won’t sink “Transformers” to the level of “Pearl Harbor,” which was just plain awful. “Transformers” 40-50 minutes shorter would have been a solid entertainment summer movie.

This version?

Too freaking long.

Grade: C+