The Robin Sings?

It seems widely agreed upon that this year’s election season started absurdly early. Some stronger-willed Americans might even have successfully refused to recognize the barrage of political advertising, non-stop news coverage, and marathon series of debates. Lucky you.

However, it seems that the time has come to officially start this most exhausting quadrennial season. What is the robin for this electoral spring, you ask? Is it the defining of the Republican candidate? No. Is it (hopefully) the final Democratic debate? Nay. Then could it be the Academy Awards and the inevitable political speeches? Not even that.

There is only one true political Punxsutawney Phil who can signal to the country that, yes, it’s time to start hoping and dreading the possibilities. That man is none other than the ultimate last kid picked at dodge ball all grown up, Ralph Nader.

Yes, he’s back folks. Sunday’s Meet the Press featured Nader as a guest to host his unprecedented third announcement. Tim Russert’s first question was thus, “Will you run for president, as an independent, in 2008?”

Now Russert is a pro. This is by no means his first rodeo. Despite that, let’s break down where he might have gone wrong. First of all…dumb question. Tim, Grandma was lying when she said there weren’t any. In the political realm, Ralph Nader rivals only John McLaughlin for the crazy old guy award, though Nader lacks McLaughlin’s similarity to the sweet grandfather who was stationed in a different place every time he talks about World War II. Instead, Nader is the downer grandfather who complains all through dinner about the neighborhood’s fast drivers and how baked beans give him constipation.

That said, I’m pretty sure they had locked down that he would be announcing a run before they invited him on. I can imagine if he had said he wasn’t:

Nader: No Tim, I’ve decided not to run for president. It seems that these guys have it all right this time, so I’ll just stay home and focus on keeping kids out of my yard.

Russert: Really? Are you sure? I mean, there’s not likely to be a swiftboat scandal for Obama. We don’t want to make things too easy for the Dems.

Nader: Nope, I’m good.

Russert: Okay…well, I’m completely unprepared for this.

Nader: I’d be happy to discuss policy with you anyway, Tim.

Russert: No that’s okay. We’ll go to commercial and be back with the round table to discuss Nader’s refusal to run and which NBC affiliate in Siberia we should send our program director to after this bonehead move.

Nader: Really? I’m free for the next hour or so.

Russert: Sorry, no time. Roll the commercials already!

Although it is somewhat understandable. If Tim had opened with, “So Ralph Nader is here to announce his run for president - again. Got anything new for us Ralphie? Or should we just rerun the last time you were on?” it might have come off as unprofessional.

The second mistake was not making the question multiple choice - yes or no. What followed Russert’s opener was a three minute “Yes.” Somehow Nader pulled out Iraq, Katrina, lame Democrats, electoral philosophy, the bloated Pentagon, and data from at least three polls from that three-letter word. It was like a magician and his never-ending handkerchief when you really just need to blow your nose.

The camera never left Nader, but a source inside NBC leaked that Russert got through two bear claws and the Sunday crossword puzzle by the time his guest finished the announcement.

The most obvious question for the new candidate is about his “spoiling” of the 2000 election. While Russert worked through the Sudoku, Nader explained how he had nothing to do with Bush winning the election. As for this year, he believes that the Democrats have the election all but locked up. Because of McCain’s “hundred years of war” strategy the independent doesn’t give him a snowball’s chance.

The justification for running then? To bring new ideas into the debate, of course. Again, let’s dissect that for a moment. He believes that we should have more than two choices for president, yet he has no delusion that he could win. He clearly doesn’t want a McCain administration, yet would rather run an ultimately pointless campaign himself rather than support a Democrat.

Dissent was surely a building block of this democracy, but aren’t we aiming a little high, Ralph? How about you start with Congressman Nader, State Senator Nader, or School Board President Nader? I might think that Hannity and Combs are both annoying and repetitive, but I’m not going to start a broadcasting career by applying for their jobs. I figure I’ll take on the guy who paints puffy clouds on the public access TV station first and work my way up.

But that’s why I’m not invited on national talk shows. So you may be on to something there, Mr. Nader. Forge ahead and get your issues out there; issues such as the environment, the plight of the Palestinian people, and the fact that no one has put you on TV in eight years.