Geezer Gazing at White House

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced Thursday that DNC focus groups mention Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s age as a concern without anyone prompting them about the subject, citing health issues and old-fashioned ideas as a potential problem. Insert Dean Scream here.

Though Dean and his cohorts at the DNC seem overly smug about these results, they sure have a point. Much like the professor who writes his hypothesis after he’s found what he was looking for, Dean is just reporting what the average American has known and what every other citizen was thinking since McCain gained momentum in the Republican primaries. Of course, what we were all thinking was: WTF? (“Why this fogey?” of course…)

The 72-year-old AARP ambassador would be the oldest president-elect in history if he wins the general election in November, much to the dismay of a country where the median age is about 36, according to MSN Encarta. How the heck is McCain still around anyway? I could have sworn I saw Darth Vader throw him down the Death Star’s reactor shaft. Then again, why would Dick Cheney do such a thing? Well, if we get lucky, McCain will lose his Poligrip and be left gumming his way through the next presidential debate. Or, perhaps the frost will get his garden this year, so McCain will forfeit his spot on the ticket to stay home sowing Miracle Gro and Rogaine.

Perhaps we should all just be thankful Bob Dole hasn’t persuaded McCain to join him for some Viagra campaign yet, though it is quite surprising the candidate has not integrated public service announcements about enlarged prostates into his campaign ads. Though McCain may not have the big-name Hollywood endorsements or peace activists on his side, perhaps his clout with long-time friends Genghis Khan, Saint Peter, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, George Washington, and Benjamin Franklin will give him the edge needed to win this election.

The only difference between McCain and George W. Bush will be that instead of Bush just blatantly not listening to what the American people have to say, McCain just won’t be able to hear us. Not to mention, who wants to shell out the extra tax dollars for additional nursing staff at the White House, just for changing the president’s Depends? Well, let’s not be so hard on the guy who gave us happy-face stickers when we came into Wal-Mart as children.

Showcasing his inability to connect with the feelings of Americans, even for a Republican candidate, McCain said not too long ago that he thinks our troops could remain in Iraq for 100 years — when you’re 72 percent of the way there yourself, it must not seem like that long.

Joshua DeLung can be contacted at joshuadelung@gmail.com.