Questions Remain Unanswered

By Bentley Claudon
May 6, 2009

Growing up is never easy. I used to cry about it as a child. In fact, I still cry about it sometimes.

I can't really remember all the times I cried about growing up, but I know the times weren't few and far between.

Faint memories float through my head.  Most of my memories are dark, like there was dimness in the room at the time. The darkness played along with the sadness I transmitted through tears.

Regardless, each and every time I think about growing up, I recall one particular memory. I was sitting on my mother's lap while she rocked me in the rocking chair in my bedroom. It was an old wooden rocking chair with cushioning on the back and seat. The cushion was covered in a dingy, orangey-brown colored fabric that I never found pretty. Though, I really liked that rocking chair. It was sentimental to me, I guess.

I was probably 5 or 6 years old. I was small for my age, and I curled up on my mother's lap easily. I cried and told her that I was scared to go to "big school" and that I never wanted to drive a car. I told her I never wanted to leave and go to college. And I definitely didn't want to die.

What 6-year-old thinks about dying? All of these worries were really irrelevant at the time. "Big school" was at least three years away and everything else even further. My mother reassured me that I'd want to do all of these things (shy of dying) when I got older. I wiped my tears and halted worry until the next time I didn't want to grow up.

My mother was right. Each "big school" was always better than the last. And with each year's passing, I thought I was bigger and badder and braver than before. I had been impatiently awaiting a driver's license at least two years before I was able to obtain one. I was excited about moving away from home, a place I had grown mildly tired of over the years. I was excited about moving forward and having a little freedom.

But all of those "big" things have passed now. And it's actually time for me to grow up. I will be a college graduate in less than a month. I don't have a job - at least not a job that requires the degree that I've worked hard to obtain throughout the past four years.

When you're a senior in college, people expect a lot out of you. They expect answers. It's like taking your final exam. Everyone wants to know about your post-college plans - where you're moving, where you're working, who you'll live with, etc. Do you get graded on the accuracy of your answers? And what if you don't have answers? Do you fail the exam?

I don't have answers. I don't want to grow up.

However, each time I think about this, about graduating and growing up, I remember rocking in that rocking chair and crying about what was inevitable. Growing up is happening to me right now.

It's amazing how much I've grown up since then. I've accomplished many of the things I was once afraid of. I embraced my childhood and enjoyed myself. It wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be. In fact, it was fun. I should take that into consideration - maybe growing up won't be as scary as I imagine. On the other hand, I'm graduating while our country struggles in recession.

The economy is down, way down. Only one of my friends has a "real," diploma-worthy job. Other friends have resorted to working unpaid internships in order to gain more experience and hoping that the resume boost will help them obtain a job down the road. The rest of my friends are on the fringe with me - teetering between not growing up and growing up.

I will graduate, but I don't have answers.  It's possible that I may end up right back where I started - rocking back and forth on my mother's lap, crying about growing up.